Before my son, I’d always hear people talk about postpartum depression (PPD) and I never fully understood how it could affect someone until it hit me.
As someone who has never really battled with depression, I never thought I’d have PPD when the time came for me to have a baby. However, I think given what I’ve been through the past 3 years took its toll on me.
In April 2014, my father passed away unexpectedly at the age of 67. He was not ill and I took his passing super hard. Then in August 2015, my mother passed away. She was in the hospital for 3 weeks before finally passing. With my mother, I got to say goodbye and I mentally prepared myself. I still took it hard because she was my best friend. That September I moved from NorCal to SoCal to be closer to friends and family at a time when I most needed it.
In April 2016, my now husband and I started dating. We had a miscarriage in July 2016 and got engaged that same month. In March 2017, we had another miscarriage. Finally in June of this year, our baby boy was born. I missed my parents. I wished so badly they could be here to meet their grandson. It’s only my husband and myself here where we live and so it’s hard to do it all alone (just is two).
Given all that stuff, I don’t know how anyone would not get depressed. At first I brushed it off as baby blues. However, when I was still crying daily or every other day well into month 4, I knew something was off. I confided to a friend and she suggested I make an appointment with my doctor to see what they can do. I’m now on a super low dose of Lexapro but I feel so much better. It’s been about a month since I’ve been on it and I’ve been able to be the mother my son needs me to be. I’m much happier and haven’t cried in weeks.
I wanted to share my story because I want you to know you’re not alone. I feel like it’s something women don’t want to talk about or admit because I felt that way. I felt like people would think I was ungrateful for my son but I’m not. I’m so grateful he’s here and I love him so much but I just wasn’t the mom he needed me to be. I felt like a failure and while I knew deep down I wasn’t, I felt like it daily. You would never know I felt this way though because I was still posting pictures on Instagram. I mentioned it to a few people and a couple of times, I got brushed off. I get it. I do. I was there and I can’t blame you for not knowing what to say. However, if you are feeling this way, know your feelings are validated. I’m always a message away if you want to talk.